FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE IN COURT™

Your lawyer can fight for you in court, in negotiations and in collaborative law. It doesn’t matter what the setting, what does matter is that now you have another option when you visit a lawyer. Of course you can still get divorced, and your lawyer can fight for you in any setting that you choose to have your divorce. But very few people know that a lawyer can fight for your marriage in court.

Reconciliation Possibilities in Collaborative Law

RECONCILIATION Through COLLABORATIVE LAW
Filed under: DIVORCE OPTIONS AND ALTERNATIVES
This blog post is from Michael A Hiller, board certified family lawyer, Texas board of legal specialization with Hiller & Assoc., P.C., a full-service family law firm serving the Houston, TX Metroplex, including Harris, Ft. Bend and Montgomery counties.
Can collaborative law help me reconcile with my partner?
It can give you a chance. Collaborative Law gives you a “peace tent” and therefore an opportunity to discuss reconciliation as well as divorce. Texas Law allows for a “discernment counselor”-that is, a counselor can be used by the parties to help them determine whether reconciliation makes sense for them. Although this Texas Family Code Statute has been around for a while, training for reconciliation counselors is limited. Currently there is a “Reconciliation Project” in Minnesota experimenting with this training. In Texas, there is no formal project but there are efforts being made by individual attorneys such as Steve Campos in Austin and myself. I am exploring training with Houston therapists at this time.
What are the major differences between reconciliation in Collaborative Law and in a traditional court case? In Collaborative Law, you don’t have the fear of a hearing coming down the pike or a judge not granting the counseling. You and your spouse can also take your time to decide, because you have two years to keep your case alive before it must be tried or dismissed. You don’t have the pressure of a quick trial setting, which will come in four to eight months in most divorce court cases. That can put a lot of heat on a marriage that is considering staying together.
Does my spouse have to want to reconcile too? Yes. Although some experts say it only takes one person to save a marriage, in collaborative law, each of you has equal bargaining power. At the beginning of almost all divorces, one partner wants the divorce and one does not or at least wants the divorce less. It may be that your spouse doesn’t want reconciliation now, but may be open to “discernment counseling” to see if an objective person thinks your marriage can be saved. But ultimately, it will take both of you to keep your marriage together.
Will all collaborative lawyers be familiar with these reconciliation techniques? No. This effort is new. If you or your spouse is interested, discuss this desire with your collaborative lawyer and have her contact Bill Doherty in Minnesota or me in Houston. But all collaborative lawyers should be willing to be open to the possibility. If there’s a multidisciplinary team, including a mental heath professional, have your lawyer discuss it with the full team. There is no ìone-size fits allî reconciliation, and these highly trained communication and financial coaches can be helpful.
There’s been an affair. Can I reconcile through collaborative law? Yes. Affairs are not death sentences to successful reconciliation. Affairs, although very hard on a marriage, are often a symptom not a cause. If you as a couple are willing to work though this difficult situation, your marriage can become the envy of your friends’ marriages. But it will not be easy. And if one of you is a sex addict, or has some other mental health problem, then that person will have their own therapy to do for perhaps a year before the marriage counseling can begin.
What if we find a reconciliation counselor or coach who says our relationship has a chance. Then what? If both of you are willing, a reconciliation counselor, or traditional marriage therapist can help. If only one of you wants to try to salvage the marriage, then you will likely end up pursuing a divorce. But if you are part of a community such as a church, mosque, or synagogue then that community may end up contacting the unwilling spouse to encourage marriage counseling itself. They may say “We heard that the discernment counselor said your marriage is retrievable; why don't you work on your marriage now?”
What if financial issues are our biggest problem? Will Collaborative Law give us a better chance than the courtroom for learning the skills to handle our financial disputes better? Why? Courts provide you virtually no opportunity to learn financial skills and the communication required to make those skills work. Some couples create a marital, or “post-nuptial” agreement that includes not only financial matters, but also agreements on how to work on and maintain the marriage. The collaborative process provides an excellent opportunity to negotiate such an agreement. See previous blogs on this site for more information on “interest-based negotiation” used in collaborative law.
Can family violence be looked at in the reconciliation/collaborative model? Perhaps. Family violence varies greatly from one family to another. But keep in mind that family violence, especially physical or sex abuse can be very serious and you should proceed very cautiously if you want to stay together. The victim of family violence has every right to pursue the divorce and should never be talked out of it.
If I am interested in reconciling with my partner. . .Why is collaborative law better for me? Because if you have come this far your partner probably wants the divorce. If you go to court, you will likely lose almost all chance of keeping the marriage together. Most judges know almost nothing about reconciliation, and once the cycle of poor communication and conflict management is made worse by litigation, there will likely be no way back. Unless the Texas legislature enacts legislation requiring marriage education in almost all divorces, collaborative law will probably give you the best chance to make your marriage work. And most importantly, collaborative law gives you an excellent opportunity to create a "marriage contract" or even a temporary order that sets out what work you will do on the marriage. For example that contract can say that you will go to a particular marriage counselor for 90 days, for a total of 10 times. You can then return to your collaborative law setting to discuss how your reconciliation effort is going.
What if I just want a divorce, Collaborative Style? Then by all means, get one. Reconciliation is a very personal matter, as is divorce, and no one should make you stay with your spouse if you do not want to. Collaborative Law was developed to give you a more dignified way to get divorced, not stay together, and let’s not forget that. Working on your marriage is just an alternative to divorce, not a requirement.

9 WAYS TO REDUCE the pain & cost of divorce

1. Consider filing for a divorce without a lawyer 
You can file for a divorce without a lawyer in Texas.  There are websites and books 
that can show you how to do that.  If you have no kids and no property, maybe 
it’s a good idea.  But if you have kids or property – one, two, or three children, car, 
or bank account, or retirement, or home – you may want to think about hiring a 
lawyer.  Look, lawyers can be expensive, but they don’t have to be.  The first way 
to keep your lawyer’s cost down is to come to an agreement with your spouse.  
Before that, I recommend a consultation – whether free or $300.00, that consult 
is worth it.  You will learn what to include in your agreement and what not to 
include.  Then you and your lawyer can agree on an uncontested “case fee.”  
2. Know when to need divorce help from a lawyer 
You want your divorce to be less of a negative impact on your children.  Your kids 
may not get the right amount of child support.  For example, the child support 
payor may be paid twice a month or bi-weekly, may have bonuses, may have a 
new job.  A lawyer can help you figure this out – you may be paying too much or 
receiving too little.    Your lawyer will know how to calculate child support.  Being 
off by just $20.00 a week can cost you thousands over the child’s life.  
Your visitation schedule may not be enforceable.  If your visitation, possession, 
or parenting schedule is not specific enough, you and your ex may fight for years 
and the judge won’t be able to help you.  Your lawyer will know how to write up 
the decree.  In Texas it needs to be very specific.  
Your home or other property may not be transferred properly.  With real estate, 
your decree or deed between you and your husband/wife will need to be recorded 
at the courthouse.  If you divide a company retirement plan, it will need to be 
done by a QDRO, that is acceptable by the company’s retirement department.  
These are just some of the reasons why you should seek a lawyer’s help if you have 
kids or property.  There are many others, including – getting help with moving 
your kids to another state without your ex’s permission.  Your decree has to be 
written properly to protect you and your children so you can move or so your ex- 
spouse can’t move your kids.  So please consider a lawyer.  The cost now will be 
worth it later.  
(Full Disclaimer - See Report’s Last Page)
3. Have your lawyer do a marriage contract and work on the 
marriage for 90 days 
Clients are often looking for a quickie divorce.  Many of you want to know if you 
can file your own divorce.  But before you file at all – ask yourself – can my spouse 
and I learn to get along?  If your problems are mostly caused by one person’s bad 
behavior – drugs, cheating, beating, you either need to end the marriage or THEY 
need help.  You can’t work on the marriage until that spouse solves that problem.  
But if you have one of the usual 5 “hot button” problems – sex, family of origin, 
work, money, and kids – then you need to learn skills-conflict management, 
communication, and other healthy relationship skills – sign a contract with a 
marriage educator to learn and practice these skills for 90-120 days.  If your lawyer 
can’t help you with this, then he or she is behind the times – for more information 
contact Michael Hiller – “Reconciliation Law” creator.   Your lawyer can be your 
mediator to help keep the marriage stay together – he or she needs to be trained 
in marriage mediation – they will sit with you and your spouse and become your 
marriage coach and help you resolve your conflict and learn communication 
skills.  After a 10 hour session, or 5 two hour sessions, they will write up your plan 
that can be followed up for 90-120 days.  If your marriage doesn’t work out, have 
them mediate the divorce.  Your lawyer has now become your mediator and can 
mediate the divorce if the marriage can’t be saved.  He or she can help you come 
to terms on all issues – and you don’t have to both have attorneys.  When it’s over, 
you can take your agreement to court for the judge’s signature.  You want your 
decision to be less of a negative impact on your children. 
4. If you file for divorce, get to court quickly. 
Too many people drag their cases out once the decision to divorce or go for custody 
or child support is made, you want to get in and out of the courthouse quickly.  
An uncontested divorce can happen in 60 days.  Contested cases take longer.  
But if you need a hearing, get to court quickly.  Many cases require mediation, 
especially in Texas.  Get the mediation done ASAP, don’t let “discovery” bog you 
down.  (That’s why it’s called the “discovery money pit” – lots of documents and 
requests go back and forth between the lawyers and not much gets done usually). 

5. Try collaborative divorce. 
If you own anything at all or have kids, consider collaborative divorce.  Collaborative 
law is when you, your spouse, and your lawyers agree that y’all will work together 
to resolve your case.  Your lawyers are committed to that concept.  The case 
doesn’t settle, the lawyers are out of a job – you have to get new lawyers – so they 
won’t give up so easily.  You and your spouse will have several sessions where 
you decide on a temporary arrangement, a parenting plan, evaluate and divide 
property.  You may even have coaches that keep the peace and help you with 
finances.  These coaches can actually reduce the cost emotionally and financially 
– they are less expensive than lawyers and are trained in communication skills 
and finances.  Complete disclosure and respectful behavior are required, so not 
all parties can do collaborative law.  Both clients must be reasonably honest to do 
collaborative law.  
6. If you have a custody case, have your lawyer set a hearing ASAP, 
and get your case heard. 
Again, cases tend to drag on and on.  Judges go on vacation and clients wind 
up in the hospital.  You do need investigations and to discover things, but get to 
the court as quickly as possible.  If you can’t be heard that day, have your lawyer 
reset the case.  In Texas, the first hearing is really important, especially in divorces.  
It often determines the final outcome.  Custody cases can be very expensive.  
Consider how bad your spouse is as a parent before fighting hard.  Compromise 
wherever you can, either through collaborative law or mediation.  We even have 
jury cases for custody in Texas, but they are expensive and time consuming, so be 
sure you can afford them.   
7. If you’re going to negotiate, set a time limit for the hours your 
lawyer spends 
Most clients want to resolve their family cases without going to court – but there 
is a cost to the time your lawyer negotiates.  Please be sure that you set a limit 
on how many hours your family law lawyer negotiates.  In all court cases, you 
have the right to have your case tried, at least in Texas.  You may have to go to 
mediation, but even that can be half a day.   Whatever you do, be efficient and 
prepared.  

8. Divorce, child support, and custody are major purchases.  Decide 
what you can afford and give your lawyer your budget. 
Your retainer can be $1,500.00 to $15,000.00 or more.  Some lawyers take a low 
retainer then send you a huge bill.  If all you can spend is $1,000, tell your lawyer.  
If you want a big fight, be prepared to pay for it.  Most divorce lawyers take credit 
cards.  Ask – “what is the most efficient way to get my case resolved?” – and insist 
upon an answer.  Communicate regularly about your case expectations and 
budget.  Try for a flat fee, or series of flat fees for different aspects of the case.  
Be clear and have your lawyer be clear – and remember the better you and your 
partner get along, even in a divorce, the lower your bill.  
9. If you have tons of money, get a prenup, do whatever you want, 
and and remember your kids. 
Many wealthy people want good relationships, but are too busy to have them.  
Money becomes the focus.  There are romantic prenups, but your lawyer has to 
know how to do them (you add “marriage booster” clauses).  First, protect your 
assets then provide for the non-married spouse – the longer the marriage, the 
greater the provision.  If you are very wealthy and live in Houston, TX, or any wealthy 
city, you will likely go to a handful of powerful attorneys.  But do they really have 
your best interest at heart?  Your kids’ interest?  Do they do collaborative law?  Do 
they try your case for their fame and your fortune, or for your best interest?  They 
might be needed sometimes, but I fully recommend Collaborative law for wealthy 
folks and anyone who has kids, property, and is reasonably honest.  
Disclaimer:  
This Report does not establish an attorney-client    relationship, but instead provides general education and 
information.  Hiller and Associates only practices law in Texas.  Any information provided may or may not apply 
in your state or situation.  To establish an attormey-client relationship with Hiller and Assoc., P.C., please contact 
them directly through their website for a consultation and signed retainer agreement - www.hillerlaw.com

Divorce Options and Alternatives

Many of you are familiar with the several divorce options for resolution, including “kitchen Table” negotiations, conference mediation, collaborative law, “peaceful divorce™”, and litigation. I have even discussed how a family lawyer can come to a therapist's or wealth advisor's office and help mediate or bring lawyering skills to resolve disputes. All these methods are referred to as “Divorce Options”.

For years many family lawyers have encouraged reconciliation. But how many of you are familiar with “Divorce Alternatives"? Two years ago, I introduced “Reconciliation Law”, a formal way for lawyers to be involved in the reconciliation process: a couple decides to create a contract or Court Order to work on the marriage. With the help of their lawyers, the couple sets out how long they are going to try to make the marriage work, with which couples and child therapist, and what issues they will each work on (a marriage treatment plan - but don't worry, you can still get divorced if your plan doesn't work out). I envisioned the courts getting involved, but the economy and other factors have kept the Texas legislature from reforming divorce laws.

During these two years, I have discovered a few colleagues who are working on similar projects. A group of lawyers from Minnesota, led by “Marriage Friendly Therapist” founder Bill Doherty, is working on reconciliation through collaborative law. They are experimenting with three kinds of coaches: “Discernment” Coaches, “Hopeful” Coaches, and “Reconciliation” Coaches. In another issue, I hope to give you more information and updates on that project’s development. Although I am a big Collaborative Law fan, most lawyers think that only a small portion of family law cases will become collaborative law cases, for a variety of reasons. It is thought that most cases will be filed and handled in a traditional manner for the foreseeable future – that is, they will face the possibility of trial, unlike collaborative law.

In this courtroom context, an Austin lawyer colleague began using “Pre-Divorce” and “Anti-Divorce” petitions a few years ago. I filed my first one a few days ago. Here’s how it works: The lawyer draws up the divorce petition just like they would any other, with one exception. The family lawyer states something like the following: “Marianne B. Happy files this petition not because she wants a divorce, but because she doesn’t. She believes in the importance of a good relationship between husband and wife, both for the sake of their children and for themselves. At this time the marriage relationship is in such bad shape that it requires serious work to restore the love, balance, success and fun that the couple once had. Marianne B. Happy is so Unhappy that the only way to get her husband’s attention is to file this petition. She asks Mr. I AM Happy to attend counseling and obtain relationship skills and work on various issues in the marriage. In the event that Mr. Happy refuses to work on the marriage, Marianne B. happy requests the court to order the parties to an HAMFT counselor to determine whether they have a reasonable chance of reconciliation. Ms. Happy further asks the court to set the time period from three to six months for the couple to work on the marriage.”

The petition continues to say that if the reconciliation effort is unsuccessful for whatever reason, that Ms. Marianne B. Happy requests the court to grant the divorce because the marriage DOESN’T have a reasonable chance of reconciliation. In law, coincidentally, this way of pleading, “ if we can’t get x, we’ll settle for y”, is called “pleading in the alternative”; hence the name “divorce alternatives” is perfect.

So what is “divorce alternatives” all about? From my perspective, it is combining the family relationship movement (see “Smart Marriages” website ), reconciliation law, Texas Family Code 6.505 (our marriage counseling statute), marriage and family therapy, and if necessary, divorce. The key is that one spouse is saying “I’ve had enough, if you don’t come to the table and work with me, this marriage is over.” Of course, therapists will applaud this development as a loving and reasonable approach to family and marriage issues. It not only gives the marriage a chance to get therapy, but also gives hope to children everywhere. Very few people anywhere would disagree that it is better for families to not have a divorce if there can be a modicum of happiness and workability. One additional benefit will be increased work for HAMFT Therapists.

One of my stated missions is for therapists and family lawyers to work more closely together. We all know that there has been a need for us to work more in harmony in divorce and other family cases for a long time now. And I think we will continue to do so as the “divorce options” movement grows. But I truly that the future is even brighter if we expand the lawyer’s role to include reconciliation efforts and “divorce alternatives”. That way a family lawyer can truly be a family lawyer, not just a divorce lawyer.

On a final note, there continues to be a need for divorce reform. The family code counseling statute is rarely used, and it is really a “discernment” statute. The statute actually says that the counselor is supposed to tell the court whether there is a reasonable chance of reconciliation. Only then is true counseling to begin. Regardless, I think that most divorce cases should have a counseling requirement. That is not the case now. Cynics among us lawyers believe that that this would be a “therapist lifetime employment” statute, but of course it is what many families need. The fact that it would provide more work for therapists is a good thing. And family lawyers feared their workload would diminish when mediation arrived, but their workload actually increased. If family lawyers get involved with these “Divorce Alternatives”, then the same will be true here. Then family lawyers would truly become FAMILY lawyers. Even if the divorce happens, there is a better chance of improved co-parenting because the parents tried to save the marriage, and the treatment plan will have helped them to work together for the kids sake. See other parts of this site for more information on litigation, collaborative law, and other divorce options and alternatives.

Michael Hiller, Hiller & Assoc., PC

713-784-9500; c-832-723-6600

mhiller@hillerlaw.com
www.hillerlaw.com

Collaborative Law

is a great option for many couples considering divorce or other family matter.

Why you need a will

Wthout one, the state of Texas will decide where your property goes.

CHEATER or SEX ADDICT?

How do you know if your spouse is just a cheater or if he has a sex addiction? Should you handle it differently? Sex therapists report that no decisions should be made for one year, if you or your partner is a sex addict. But treatment should be sought for the sex addict and the partner. No work should be done on the marriage for one year, but also no divorce.

So if there is a valid diagnosis of sex addiction and you don't file for divorce, what do you do? A post nuptial agreement that includes financial protection clauses as well as provisions for both of you getting treatment is the answer.

Hiller and Assoc is actively pursuing sex addicts, spouses who've had affairs or their partners to represent. We can help you decide whether to file for divorce.